Just took my morning after pill in the library
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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