woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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