how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
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He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
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Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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