"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
