dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
