he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
