Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
