There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
