I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
