either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
40s are totally the cure
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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