if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
