he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
