Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
