You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
