Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
