True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We need to rekindle our bromance
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
