is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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