She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
