he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
