i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
