At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just want to make out with him forever
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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