Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
