someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Someone shit on the floor
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
