so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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