I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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