dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
vagina is talking i cant
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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