OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
