at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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