I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
