well I can't set my house on fire every night
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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