you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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