ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
