I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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