As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
