Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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