i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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