Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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