Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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