By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
