whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
