Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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