walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
