she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
