also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
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You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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