I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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