Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
