Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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