Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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