the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
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i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
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How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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