I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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