you inspire me to be a worse person
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
