I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
