So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
