OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
