why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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