I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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