1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize