pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
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