sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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