Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
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The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
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A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.