you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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