Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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