Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
