Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
